For a while now, I've been this horrible, depressed, pessimist person, who can only look at life in the most unhappy ways, But I don't want to be like this anymore; I want to go back to being the carefree happy girl I once was. I want to dance in the rain and laugh in the sun. I used to be so happy. I can still recall being 12 and lying on the grass for hours reading. I haven't done that for a really long time now. I truly miss it. How did I become the person I am now? I guess life threw so much shit at me that i became skeptical. I had to become cold to survive. When my mom got cancer, I had no idea what to do. The beacon of sunshine in my life was suffering and there was nothing I could do to make it better. I was so afraid of losing her, of losing my light. I remember shutting down all of my feelings: sometimes it's better to feel nothing than to feel only pain. I don't think I've turned them on since. *unfinished*