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Home

I have no home. They say home is where the heart is. Well, my heart doesn't belong to anyone or anything, since it's still quite broken. I have a house, some friends, "family", but nothing that feels like home. There's no where where I feel like I belong.

To think that the world is too big or too small is an illusion. The world in no such thing, like every physical thing, the world only is. It is our mindset that leads to this illusion.

Positivity

     For a while now, I've been this horrible, depressed, pessimist person, who can only look at life in the most unhappy ways, But I don't want to be like this anymore; I want to go back to being the carefree happy girl I once was. I want to dance in the rain and laugh in the sun. I used to be so happy. I can still recall being 12 and lying on the grass for hours reading. I haven't done that for a really long time now. I truly miss it. How did I become the person I am now? I guess life threw so much shit at me that i became skeptical. I had to become cold to survive. When my mom got cancer, I had no idea what to do. The beacon of sunshine in my life was suffering and there was nothing I could do to make it better. I was so afraid of losing her, of losing my light. I remember shutting down all of my feelings: sometimes it's better to feel nothing than to feel only pain. I don't think I've turned them on since. *unfinished*

Tired

         I'm tired of not being enough. Of trying and trying and trying and trying and failing so hard that i don't even feel it anymore. I've gotten used to failing. I am a failure. Nothing in my life is right and I've only got myself to blame. I've turned into this horrible excuse of a writer; I haven't played the piano for months now and even my painting is getting worse (which I thought wasn't possible). I can't take it anymore. I can't handle the criticism of others when I myself already criticize me too much. I just can't. I smile and shake it off, I try to be the bigger person, but I've reached my breaking point. If I keep hearing that I'm not smart enough, that I' not pretty enough, that I'm not strong enough, that I'm not brave enough, it becomes a permanent stain on my mind, on my thoughts, there are always these little thought bubbles floating around my head saying "You are not enough".
       If I'm never going to be enough, why should I even try? What's the point in all this? What's the point of all the hard work I put into things if they are never going to be appreciated or liked? I used to think I had a purpose in life; maybe I hadn't figured it out completely yet, but I did have one. Now, I've changed my mind; I don't have a purpose. My existence only brings pain and suffering to those around me.  *unfinished* (like my life)

Shadow


I am but a shadow of myself. A shell if you may.  Chasing my self for all eternity, never reaching my full potential. I am a shadow. Though i am the outside of myself, my inside is pure darkness. No features, just dark colours and emptiness. I am a shadow. The definition of the ones that could not serve their purpose in the world, though they always knew what it was.. I am a shadow Just a step behind.  I live in the shade of my own expectations and dreams. I am the absence of light, the darkness that resides within me. I am a shadow, forever lost and always found just a little bit behind.